Chapter Forty-One
Derrick
Arthur did not want to talk. That much was clear from the stubborn set of his chin as well as his delaying tactics—another shower, ordering some food for delivery to the room, putting on clothes so we didn’t shock the delivery person, and eating said food. However, I drew the line when he wanted to check the news.
“You never follow the news.” I plucked the remote from his hand. “And you can critique whatever bad music reality shows you want after we talk. Really talk.”
“Okay.” Defeated, he flopped next to me on the bed, one arm over his eyes. “I’m not convinced there’s that much to talk about. You were gone and it sucked, but I made it through it. Rather, we made it through it, and now you’re back and I just want to enjoy you and be happy.”
“I know. Me too.” I peered down at him. God, I loved him, obstinate streak and all. “But how miserable were you? Everyone seemed to think you were doing terribly.”
My stomach sloshed, pizza dinner not sitting particularly well. I didn’t want him miserable, and if he was, I needed him to be honest so that we could figure out a solution together.
“I coped. I wasn’t wasting away. Sabrina and Calder were overstating it.” He managed a bored tone, but I wasn’t buying it.
“So you weren’t lonely?” I frowned at him.
“I had work. Got some new gigs I can’t wait to tell you about.”
“That’s awesome.” Despite my frustration with him, I still managed a smile and patted his arm. “I’m proud of you. So work was a good distraction?”
“I didn’t take up a new hobby like Stacey and everyone told me to, but yeah, work helped. You know me. I get in the zone and suddenly it’s been a week and I’m starving and in massive need of a shower.”
I laughed a little at that. “No other distractions? Not even a new instrument?”
“Damn. You do know me well. I got a replica of this twelfth-century stringed rebec, and I’ve been fiddling with it some.”
“I want to see.” I stroked his thigh. “And I don’t want you sad and depressed and needing to escape into work. Maybe Calder and Sabrina were joking, but you being happy, that matters.”
“Thanks.” He dropped his arm from his face and held my gaze. “You happy matters too.”
“I’d like to tell you that I’ll be stateside for a while, but we know how well it went last time I promised that.”
“I know. There will be other separations. I get it. That’s part of this gig.” He sounded so resigned that my heart clenched.
“It doesn’t have to be,” I said softly.
“We are not breaking up.” His stern tone would have been comical under other circ*mstances. “You’re not getting rid of me simply because the being together is hard and separations are a challenge.”
“No, no.” I held up a hand as he glared at me, his arm back down by his side, fist balled up. “No breaking up. I mean I don’t have to be in the navy forever.” Swallowing hard, I had to work to keep my voice steady. I’d rehearsed the line in my head, but saying it aloud still felt big. “This whole time we’ve both been assuming that I’ll stay in as long as possible.”
“They don’t hand civilians chief-of-the-boat duties.” He co*cked his head to one side, regarding me coolly. “You’ve had a dream, Derrick. Same as Calder. Same as me, really. It would be like asking me to give up music.”
“You’re my music,” I countered, resolve stronger now. It might be big and scary to visualize a different future, but I couldn’t ignore my recent realizations either.
“What?” He wrinkled up his face.
“You’re the thing I’m most passionate about. The thing I think about first in the morning. You and building a life with you. For years, the navy gave me what I didn’t have—a family and a purpose. But for the first time I’ve got a passion that doesn’t have a rank attached. With you, I don’t have to prove anything, and that’s a feeling I want more of. I want a life with you. A home. A family.”
Arthur’s already fair skin paled further, freckles standing out more starkly. “Wow. Just...wow. Warn a guy before you do a speech like that.”
“Sorry.” Hoping I hadn’t gone too far, I shifted on the bed.
“No being sorry.” Sitting up, he leaned in to brush a kiss across my mouth. “I want those things too, but you can have those things and stay in. I’m not going to make you choose. I want to be your family to come home to whether you’re gone eight hours or eight hundred.”
“Wow.” Now it was my turn to be gobsmacked out of words to describe how wonderful he was.
He found my hand, held it between both of his. “I get you and music. You can have me and the navy. Promise.”
“You deserve a full-time partner.” I finally brought up the ravine that had always separated us, even when we’d carefully avoided its mention. “It’s what you’ve always wanted. And I want you to have that.”
Arthur quirked his mouth. “It’s true I always had a certain type of guy in my head as being what I was holding out for. But it turns out that what I was waiting for was you.”
“Okay, you’re pretty damn good at speechmaking too.” I kissed him hard and fast.
“You had a point back at camp that I probably could have found someone sooner, especially if I’d been willing to tone down my crazy hours and musical obsessions. But I wasn’t. I didn’t want to compromise.”
“You shouldn’t compromise on being you,” I said firmly.
“Exactly. And you shouldn’t have to either. I don’t love you in spite of the navy, Derrick, I love you because of it.”
“How so? You hate the navy,” I reminded him.
“I love you because you are loyal and disciplined and a great leader. Sure you’d be amazing in whatever career you want after the navy, but you’re also amazing in this one too and I don’t want to take that away from you.”
“It seems so unfair, asking you to make all the sacrifices.” I sighed and dropped his hands so I could scrub at my hair.
“See, that’s what I always thought. I figured that the people at home were the ones sacrificing most, but you’re sacrificing too. You give up a ton, and not only for me, but for others as well. So no, I’m not making all the sacrifices.”
I let out an audible gulp before digging my teeth into my lower lip. I was not going to cry, damn it. “Feels like I’ve already given up a lot. We both have. And I want to give you a home. The music studio you want.”
“Amazingly, that is possible whether you stay in or not. I’m not so high-maintenance that I can’t make my music studio dreams happen in base housing. And maybe you want to give me a place, but I want to give you the feeling. Home. We can be that for each other.”
“Yeah.” It was the only word I could get out, I was trying that hard not to let the tears fall. “I want that. And I am going to work on ways to be around more. Stateside assignments. Plans for if I don’t re-up or for after I hit my twenty. But not for you—or rather not only for you. For me. There’s a lot I don’t want to miss out on, including my own life.”
“You deserve to find your passion, Derrick.” He gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek, and that was it. A rogue tear escaped despite my better efforts to hold it back. “And it can’t only be me. You’re right about that. It has to be you too. Maybe it’s enough right now to say that we can be a team, figure out a future together. But finding your passion should be a part of it.”
“Kind of like you tell the kids—do you.” My voice was all choked up now and the temptation to bury my head in a pillow was high. Emotions were hard. “I want to figure out what it means to be Derrick, but I do think you’re key.”
“Good. And that’s what I’ve been trying to say too. I like who I am with you. It’s not who I am without you, but who I am with you and because of you.” His eyes were shining. Maybe I wasn’t the only one fighting to hold things in.
“But if you’re miserable—”
“That’s also a choice. I was kind of wallowing in self-pity at first. But then I discovered that I’m stronger and more resilient and less alone than I thought. Neither of us may choose the separations, but we can choose our reaction to being apart. If I had a bad attitude at first, that’s on me.”
“Well, maybe a little on me for such a crappy goodbye.” I bit the inside edge of my mouth.
“Perhaps that’s on both of us.” He was way more generous than my behavior merited.
“I could have said that I love you and that I want a future together and that I’m going to do whatever it takes to get that future.”
“Okay, yeah, that’s a nice speech.” He kissed my cheek again. “How about you try that next time instead of assuming that I’m going to bolt?”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Of course, you...” Arthur started a flip response then trailed off as he frowned. “Wait. You’re serious. You think that you, best person I’ve ever known, guy my parents would happily trade me for, doesn’t deserve me?”
“Good things never last,” I whispered, bunching up the comforter with my fist.
“Yeah? Well, this one does.” Arthur used his hand to make me look at him. “And you, Derrick Fox, are one hundred percent deserving of being happy. You. Not because you made chief or because you qualify for a mortgage, but you. You are worth this.”
And then I, Derrick Fox, decorated naval chief, really was crying. I’d been afraid to hope for so long, afraid to trust in a future that might not be here for me. I’d almost lost my shot at a future I could have, if only I was brave enough to reach for it.
“Oh, f*ck. Now I’ve made you cry.” Arthur wrapped me up in a big hug.
“Didn’t even take sex this time.” I took a big breath, trying to use the joke to steady myself.
“I love you. You need to love you too.” Arthur was apparently not done being serious, and his solemnity made my eyes sting all over again.
“I’ll try,” I promised. “You make me want to try.”
“Good, because you’re worth forever.”
“So are you.” I found his mouth for a sloppy but heartfelt kiss. “Wait, you’re crying too.”
“You started it.” Laughing, he poked me in my chest. “And are you sure I’m the one you want? I mean I do come with this big, crazy family...”
“I love your big crazy family.” I kissed him hard. “But I love you more.”
“Good. And that’s another thing I love about you. You kind of helped me to love them again. To see that maybe I did belong even when I assumed I didn’t.”
“You did belong. And you’ll always belong with me.” I pulled him more fully against me.
“Well, being in your cabin does have certain perks.” He winked at me. “But I’d share a canvas yurt with you. Truly.”
“I’m not going to hold you to that.” I chuckled and tumbled us both back onto the pillows. “I’m good for indoor plumbing at least.”
“You’re the best fake boyfriend ever.” He kissed my nose. “And the last real partner I want to have.”
“There’s nothing fake about how I feel for you.” I hugged him close. My favorite blanket in the world was his warm weight on me.
“Me too. I love you. And I’m always going to be waiting. Always.”
“I’m gonna do my best to make it worth it.” My voice was thick again. Knowing he would be waiting made me want to come home that much more. He was my home, my purpose, the thing I didn’t even let myself want. He was home, and as I kissed him, I knew I’d spend the rest of my life coming back to him.
